Just Call Me Doctor

Christian has been complaining of stomach ailments off and on for 3 months. His stomach pains can flare up when asked to eat his vegetables, clean up his toys or go to bed. Other times, it seems quite legitimate. When he chooses to stay home from summer day camp and lies on the couch all morning, I know he is in pain. We went to the pediatrician and had blood work done. All came back normal. Next visit was to a pediatric gastroenterologist. I can barely spell that, much less pronounce that specialty so you know it must be fancy and important. It took a month to get an appointment. I booked the appointment and put it out of my mind. Christian still complained about his tummy, but it was random, sporadic and usually not very convincing. A few days before his appointment, I noticed he was complaining more often and more convincingly so I kept the appointment. The doctor begins his exam by asking Christian a lot of questions. Christian answered them in all serious with the following information: His tummy hurts all the time, no matter what. It keeps him up all night, every night. On a scale of 1 to 10, his pain is 60-10-100. He poops all day. The doctor is nodding and taking notes. Does he believe all this?! It's a miracle this kid is still alive and mobile, clearly. Then comes the diagnostic portion of the appointment. - Christian's self-diagnosis, that is. His tummy hurts because we never ever let him eat snacks, we make him eat yucky vegetables and he drinks pool water when he jumps in the pool. At this point, I am expecting Child Services to break down the exam room door and snatch him. When the nurse mentioned that they have service/therapy dogs in the office every Wednesday, Sara casually mentioned that her stomach bothers her sometimes and maybe she needs an appointment, too. I hope they have a frequent customer/patient punch card. Maybe we will get a free blood pressure test after our 10th visit.