Monday, January 21, 2013

Lothario or Stalker

My 4 year old son is in love. With many ladies. He likes the cougars. According to him, he is engaged to a 12 year old named Maggie. For their nuptials, she has to make him a Spiderman wedding cake. She is allowed to share his bed but there will NOT be any kissing or sharing of his teddy bear. Or dancing. Ever. He will wear a tie to the wedding - maybe. But, he is also planning on running away to college with her older sister and camping out on her futon. So, his affections are torn between two sisters. The fact that Katie has a serious boyfriend does not slow him down in the slightest. He just gives him the stink eye or pretends he does not exist. He is very secure in Katie's love for him. "Mommy, she can like Joe but she LOVES me." He has branded a girl closer to his own age as "My Hannah". They had one failed date at McDonald's. Not his finest moment. He ditched her in the playland for a male classmate who has light-up sneakers. And he he tried to steal her fries and toy. I'm hoping she gives him another chance. And I have to mention the little girl in his class. He likes her "because she has curly hair and brings good snacks". A strong foundation for a long term relationship. Then there is the other object of his affection- my husband's co-worker. The fact that she is already married does not sway him in the least. He doesn't even acknowledge his "competition". He invents reasons to go visit her. At the office Christmas party, he staged a failed, short-lived hunger strike until she sat with him. Alas, the temptation of cookies proved too much for him and he caved eventually. And does he know how to play on her affections? He writes her notes, draws her pictures, and makes her crafts. Basically, he has marked her cubicle as his territory. I'm waiting for him to paint a creepy self-portrait like the creepy brother from "Wedding Crashers". When he busted his lip open (twice), he wanted to show her how brave he was. He proudly showed off all the stickers he conned out of the nursing staff. Now, at bedtime he insists on made up stories. He picks the topic and we have to invent an engaging tale. Shakespeare had time to come up with his tales AND got paid. This is improv bedtime storytelling. His latest story involved "Miss. Corky" as a damsel in distress who needed rescuing. Not happy to be a mere knight, Christian declared himself Hero Christian. The rescue plot was complicated with many twists and turns and obstacles he had to overcome. I wish he showed as much perseverance and advanced problem-solving skills when it comes to putting his shoes and socks on in the morning. I'd love to see what he would do when faced with a suit of armor. I have a feeling that his princess would have to be very self-reliant and come to him while he waited for mommy to oil up his metal suit and stuff him into it. He does have some sweet, sure-fire pick-up lines for the ladies, depending on the situation. "I has daddy tie" is appropriate for formal events. "I have 2 blue eyes" is an all-purpose winner. Occasionally, he will resort to fancy tricks to snag the ladies. His dance moves are legendary. Or, only out of sheer desperation, he will resort to shooting the ladies with his "Spiderman webs". Watch out, ladies.

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