Friday, January 6, 2012

My Career As A Talk Show Host

If it didn't involve getting up at 4:30 in the morning, I decided I could have a career as Kelly Ripa's wacky sidekick. Besides the grueling hours, her job is pretty easy. People dress her up, slap a ton of makeup on her and set her loose on America. We'd sit in comfy chairs, slurp some caffeine and yak about about our husbands and kids. We would get to tell embarrassing stories about them. I could do that. I have a million embarrassing anecdotes. Well, they mostly involve me embarrassing myself but still.... I could make a living doing it. For her salary, I'd embarrass myself and my family on national TV. She also gets to schmooze famous people and ask them dumb questions. I am the queen of dumb questions. I don't think I have ever asked an intelligent question ever. For one hour a day, I would have a captive audience that would be forced to listen to my brilliant ideas, theories and inventions. It's a win-win situation. I better keep the phone lines open so she can call and we can have a chat.

I used to want to be Oprah's best friend. Then I saw Gayle King, the most annoying "friend" on the planet. I knew Gayle was an annoying idiot when she met some nice Amish family and her only questions were "Do you even know who Oprah is?" and "Have you ever seen black people?" If I were Oprah, I would have left her on that farm. I just thought it would be fun to hang in a penthouse apartment in Chicago, meet some famous people and score those cool Christmas gifts. But, if it meant chilling with Gayle King, I'd rather be Oprah's enemy.

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