Tuesday, November 1, 2011


Ok, I am a gadget queen, but come on. I don't know who should be more embarrassed - the inventors or the buyers of these ridiculous products. Let's review:

Baby bangs - a toupee for a baby? That is just creepy and gross. You will be mocked when you parade your child around with those things. I will mock you then call Child Services to save your child from a lifetime of ridiculous moments. Toupees don't even look good on old men. Why would we do that to a kid everyone thinks is adorable anyway?

Parenting Products - Ridiculous and Weird Parenting Products for Kids - Parenting.com
Zaky Infant Pillow - a pillow that is dangerous and creepy! A blatant SIDS risk and guaranteed to cause nightmares.


Sonogram cuff links - I would just love to meet the woman who can convince her husband to wear these. I have tons of photos I will whip out and show off to the nearest unsuspecting person, but how do you casually walk up to someone, shoot out your arm and say "check out these cuff links?"

Designer Barf Bag - Because, as all parents know, kids give us plenty of warning when they are going to blow like Old Faithful. So, we have time to rummage through our designer diaper bags and find a fancy barf bag. And they have perfect aim. So, just hold out that spiffy bag and hope for the best.

Baby Butt Fan - Words almost fail me. Why? How? Try slapping some ointment on the kid's butt and move on with your life.

Placenta brooch - Fashion Don't! I'm not Coco Chanel but internal organs are not meant to be jewelry. If it comes out of me, I don't wear it. That's my new motto.

Breastfeeding Simulator - I tried nursing our daughter until I was blue in the face. Slowly, it dawned on me that I could pump or give her a bottle and everyone was happy and healthy. But, in all my frustrated and sleep-deprived days and nights, it never occurred to me to try this contraption.

Walk up changing table - Let's see how lazy parent and child can be. And let's put off potty training as long as possible. And let's blow $800 on it. Who needs to buy food or save for college?This is a much more reasonable investment. Maybe if the kid used it to change his own diaper...

Birth doll - Come on. This is gonna give some kid nightmares. And you know the kid is gonna play with it in church or in front of grandma. What's next? Dolls that show HOW babies are made?

Baby High Heels - Granted, I'm annoyed when I have to shell out $50 for the Stride Rite walking shoes but at least they are age-appropriate. If I want to put my kid in heels, I'll just break into Minnie Mouse's house and steal her shoes. But, until I win the lottery AND lose my mind, I think my daughter will have to settle for shoes from Target. Sometime I splurge and get her the sparkly ones. See? I know how to glam up my kid.

The Daddle - I have to admit. I am almost tempted to buy this just to see the horrified look on my husband's face. Giddyup, Daddy.

Potty Mitts - Even as a self-proclaimed germ freak, I laughed at these. Here's a couple of practical ideas. Use a Lysol wipe to clean off the seat and/or wash the kid's hands. I cannot see my kid sitting still while I slap those things on him. I can see him using them as slap mitts on the nearest person.

Pee and Poop Plushies - My 3 year old isn't even interested in Tickle Me, Elmo anymore. Or potty training, for that matter. What on earth is he supposed to do with these? I'm guessing he would try to flush them. How do I explain that to the guy who cleans out our septic tank?

Next time my friends and family mock my crazy invention ideas, I will show them these products and laugh all the way to the bank.

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