Sunday, December 11, 2011

Christian's Letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

First of all, tell that creepy little Elf to stop spying on me. He needs to mind his own &%$# business. And that breaking and entering while we sleep and perching in new places is just downright illegal. Can't you just take my word on it that I have been good. I am pure of heart, just like new fallen snow. Why parents need reinforcements to spy on me is beyond me. There are two of them and one of me. How lazy are they that they have to hire out their job?

I would like some more alone time. A man needs his space. But my nosy parents are always lurking in the shadows. How am I ever gonna sneak into Sara's room to play with all her cool toys with them always on me like white on rice? I have no place to call my own. Unless you count my new big boy bed. But, who are we kidding? All I get to do in there is sleep. And that is really, really boring. A man needs a man cave. Someplace to chill out.

I'd also really appreciate it if you would get my parents off my back about potty training. What is their obsession? I am trained. So are they. I pee and poop at will in my Pull-Up. They leap to attention as soon as they catch a whiff of my newest deposit and clean it up. If the system ain't broke, why fix it? They do all the work and I reap the rewards. It's been working for 3.5 years.

As for loot, well, I don't want to be greedy but.....
I could really go for my own IPad. I know how to use it and get much more enjoyment from it than my parents do. All they do is type and read. I can do puzzles, color pictures, play games, read books and download stuff. All with the swipe of a finger!! I could rule the world!!

I could also use my own cell phone. And don't try pawning off a fake one that lights up. I know the difference and those baby ones hold no appeal for me anymore. If I can't call Mom's friends to bitch about her, what is the point?

I could also really go for a US Military-approved super soaker missile to make bath time more enjoyable. I can only get so much range out of the puny little squirt toys currently taking up residence in my bath tub. I need power and precision. With a telescope, please, for improved accuracy. My parents are sitting targets. If I get them wet enough, that counts as their bath for the day, right? I'm all about efficiency and multi-tasking.

Because I like to pitch in around the house, I'd appreciate my own washer and dyer. Those are awesome little gadgets. I like putting weird stuff in there, dowsing it all in bright blue goo and pushing all sorts of buttons.

Let's not nit-pick this year and discuss all my shortcomings. I am a work in process. If you meet all my demands this year, I may even be even better behaved next year,

Christian James Velasco Boy

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