Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I'm Not A Doctor But I Play One On TV

I love watching "Grey's Anatomy" and "House". I love Greg House's honesty, sarcasm and fearlessness. I want to be him -minus the handicap and Vicodin addiction. I love "Grey's Anatomy" for the acting and story lines. I close my eyes for the gory parts. What I don't get is the heartfelt, impassioned speeches given by the doctors and the patients. Who has even heard or given one of those life changing, inspiring speeches in a real medical setting? Not me. I'm too busy whiny about my ailment or pregnancy and demanding drugs and/or relief. I want to know as little as possible about my medical condition. In my mind, this makes me the ideal patient. I don't ask a lot of questions. Tell me what is wrong with me in words that the average 6 year old would understand. Then tell me you are going to fix it and give me some fun drugs for afterwards. This is how my pregnancies progressed. I peed into a cup. I was told I was pregnant and given a due date. The doctor did a bunch of stuff to me. He washed his hands, hoisted me off the table, patted me on the back and watched me waddle out of his office. After 56 months of gestating, I went into labor. I checked my dignity at the door, got some fun drugs and tuned out anything resembling medical jargon. I mocked my doctor's clothes. In my defense, I swear he was wearing Garanimals. And I was on some type of drug. When that got tired and he stopped finding me amusing, I resorted to calling everyone in the room names. I would repeat them here but I am a lady. After 45 days of labor, I was handed a giant baby. See? Ideal patient. I don't ask a bunch of questions and demand to know what is going on. My insurance pays the doctor to do his/her job. The job is done, no questions asked. I don't want to hear a blow-by-blow from my dentist. I want my laughing gas and a cheesy movie. I treat the septic tank guy the same way. If I don't ask, then don't tell.

I don't pontificate to the doctor about my life views and philosophies. Maybe I am too busy trying to elicit some sympathy. Doctors are not the most overtly sympathetic people. At least not to me but maybe it's because I am a big wimp and even bigger whiner. I don't bond over life's goals, hope and disappointments. Maybe it doesn't make for good TV but it makes me an amusing and obedient patient. Or so I have been told. But, what do I know? They usually give me laughing gas or something.

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