Saturday, December 24, 2011

Exercise Barbie

I have come up with rules that will make going to the gym more enjoyable (if that is possible).

Times will be allotted based on ability, weight, perkiness and TV viewing preferences.

I hate going to the gym on Saturdays because my TV choices are sports, sports and more sports. I want to watch my cheesy entertainment TV. So, old men and uber jocks will not work out with me.

If you are a size 2, spandex is baggy on you, your ponytail swishes when you run, and/or you look happy and perky when you run, then you will NOT be allowed to work out when I do. I do not need the visual pollution.

If you can bench press a Buick, you will not work out with me. Go rearrange the cars in the parking lot, psycho jocks.

To be allowed to work out when I do, you need to meet the following criteria:

You will NOT own spandex or coordinating outfits.
You will be red faced, puffing and miserable.
You will watch cheesy sit-coms or entertainment shows.
If you turn on any cooking and/or baking show, you will be thrown off your treadmill.
If you require oxygen when you exercise or are over 65, you are welcome to hop on the treadmill next to me. I will feel young and swift.

Going to the gym is hard enough. I do not need to see skinny happy people plugging away for hours on a StairMaster. I don't enjoy watching teenagers with bulging muscles chewing tobacco. What will motivate me is seeing other chubby moms trying their hardest to lose some of the baby weight now that their babies are entering middle school. I 'enjoy' working out. Sort of. I like the escape. I like how it makes me feel after. I don't enjoy seeing skinny happy 18 year old girls bopping around the gym without breaking a sweat. I want to tell them that I looked that way once. Then I had 2 kids. Enjoy it while it lasts but don't flaunt it in front of me. Respect your chubby elders.

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