Everything But The Kitchen Sink

Lets go on vacation. Seemed like a good idea. Let's escape the cold and head to Florida. Except that Indiana is having a freak heat wave. And my husband had the brilliant idea to DRIVE to Florida. Where are the Wright brothers when I need them? We are not Amish. We do not have to travel by horse and buggy. Maybe my husband has forgotten about my bad back, tiny bladder and inability to sit still in the 17 years I've known him. Are our trips to Ireland, Europe and Asia ringing a bell? Midway through all these adventures, he was asking the stewardess for a parachute. And this was before we had children. Nope, he decides that a 2.5 day drive through all 67 states is a better idea than a 2.5 hour plane ride. Then he leaves town for work and leaves the packing to me. The amount of packing done for 1 female and 2 children is the same amount if you are gone for 3 days or 3 months. The list includes but is not limited to: shirts, pants, socks, pajamas, underwear, swimsuits, shoes, books, DS & games, Leapsters & games, DVDs, snacks, bottled water, hand sanitizer in bulk, sunglasses, activity books, camera, sunglasses, sunscreen, stuffed animals, blankets, night lights, white noise machines, and bed rails. Why leave home? We are bringing everything with us. This is why I am not worried about being robbed while we are gone. Nothing is there. We brought it all with us.My husband's packing took 12 minutes. He packed some t shirts, socks, shorts, sandals, a small bottle of shampoo and deodorant. His stuff fits in a plastic bag from Walgreen's. Our stuff practically needs a pack mule and a U-Haul.

Packing complete, we hit the open road. We drive for 37 hours before we even left the state of Indiana. I was jet lagged before we hit another state. Kids were content to have snacks thrown in their laps and watch movies. I stared at the cornfields and wondered if my husband would noticed if I slowly opened my car door and rolled out. After driving for about 7 hours, Christian announced he needs to poop. We assure him we will pull over and find a restroom. He assures US that he can wait until we get home. What we have here is a failure to communicate, folks. We won't be seeing our home for another 9 days, buddy. He looked out the window and asked where we were. We told him we were in Tennessee. Now he is confused and mad. He told him we were going on vacation to Florida? What is with this misinformation? Did someone not read the map? We are only on day 2 of our safari across America. So far we have explored a cave, an underground waterfall, watched Sara do a zip line, seen a KFC building shaped like a giant chicken (complete with moving eyes and beak) and taken our son (with sticky hand phobia) to a BBQ place called Sticky Fingers. What else can we expect over the next few days? Watch out, America. We are invading the South. And we will take prisoners. I need the company for the long drive home. We have snacks and DVDs for your entertainment. But you better travel lightly because our car is full.