Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Proper Care & Feeding of Barb

Although I think Dr. Laura is the spawn of Satan, I like the idea of an instruction manual about the proper care and feeding of people. So, I've decided to make one for my friends about me. I think they will find it simple, informative and helpful. If they don't, I hope they stay quiet.

  • Life will be easier and more pleasant for all if chilled Diet Coke is kept on premises at all times.
  • Bud Light, Miller Light, Killian's and chardonnay should also be available.
  • Beverage location should be mutually agreed upon and easily accessible in case the host/hostess is unavailable when need is urgent.
  • Room temperature should be kept between 68-71 degrees to avoid watching me suffer heat stroke.
  • Kleenex should be readily available because I am allergic to everything and everyone.
  • Pie is an acceptable dessert under the following conditions: rhubarb is not involved in any way, shape or form. Ice cream and/or whip cream is provided appropriately.
  • If you have a pre-approved signature dish, it should be made at least once during my visit.
  • Mindless magazines are an acceptable form of entertainment.
  • Last, but a very important rule is - never treat me like a house guest. It creeps me out and makes me uncomfortable. You wouldn't want me to leave early, would you??


  1. Ha!!! And here I thought it was going to be rules for what we had to do when we visited you!