The Proper Care & Feeding of Barb

Although I think Dr. Laura is the spawn of Satan, I like the idea of an instruction manual about the proper care and feeding of people. So, I've decided to make one for my friends about me. I think they will find it simple, informative and helpful. If they don't, I hope they stay quiet.

• Life will be easier and more pleasant for all if chilled Diet Coke is kept on premises at all times.
• Bud Light, Miller Light, Killian's and chardonnay should also be available.
• Beverage location should be mutually agreed upon and easily accessible in case the host/hostess is unavailable when need is urgent.
• Room temperature should be kept between 68-71 degrees to avoid watching me suffer heat stroke.
• Kleenex should be readily available because I am allergic to everything and everyone.
• Pie is an acceptable dessert under the following conditions: rhubarb is not involved in any way, shape or form. Ice cream and/or whip cream is provided appropriately.
• If you have a pre-approved signature dish, it should be made at least once during my visit.
• Mindless magazines are an acceptable form of entertainment.
• Last, but a very important rule is - never treat me like a house guest. It creeps me out and makes me uncomfortable. You wouldn't want me to leave early, would you??